Always a bottom

This post was salvaged from my Tumblr site…

I have had bottom-like tendencies since I was a little kid. There was another boy, older than me by a few years (though he seemed practically an adult), who lived on the corner when I was maybe six or seven and he was the first person to teach me I liked having things put in my ass. Me and my best friend from across the street would go to his house and he’d basically experiment on us. Lubing up pencils and straws and magic markers and the like with his spit before shoving them up our hairless pink puckered holes as far as we could take. He would praise us for new depth records. He’d fiddle with insertion angles, making us bend over more or less (I can remember his hand on my back guiding me), to get them as far as they’d go. I recall how he got an entire plastic straw inside me once and how that made me feel behind my bellybutton. I liked it. It was exciting. He was proud.

I experimented with all kinds of pervertables as I got older (mostly personal hygiene bottles and vegetables) until I moved out and could buy a proper dildo. Then I got plugs. Then they got bigger. Not ridiculous, but bigger than the average hard cock. Problem was, I would never play with these toys for very long before I ‘d make myself come and then the idea of them repulsed me. Post-orgamsic Thumper is not a bottom at all. I started to avoid any contact with the penis while fucking myself specifically so I could extend the sessions. So I could work up to the “big” ones (that, honestly, are quite modest compared to what I can take today without warming up). Then the barest stroke would cause me to shoot everywhere and the toys were stowed away until the next time I had that particular itch to scratch.

I say all this to emphasize that chastity and long-term orgasm denial didn’t make me a bottom. I have always been one to an extent. But losing access to the penis and having no natural stopping point to those times when I fuck myself other than my own physical stamina (or scheduled appointments) has supercharged my bottomness. 

Today, as I rode the third-fattest dildo I own, I thought about how I’ve changed. How craving each stroke of a hard shaft rubbing my prostate has totally replaced the urge to grip and stroke the penis. For me, now, the only form of masturbation I can do is fucking a dildo or carrying a plug. I can’t have a mind-blowing orgasm after building up to it for an hour. I can’t have a quick squirt, for that matter. I can have nothing like that. The best I can muster is leaking pre from the tube or cage enclosing the meat. To shove something huge in my hole and push out a slug of milky liquid up front. 

Sometimes I feel like my primary sex organ is no longer the penis. That I’ve been reprogrammed to accept my hole in that role. I’m far more likely to fantasize about getting fucked than I am to think about fucking or jerking off or having an orgasm of my own. I want to be filled and plowed and used. I want to feel the hard, surging cock of a real man punching into me as hard and as fast as he needs to get maximum pleasure. 

I felt that way this morning. The penis in its cage looking small and sheepish and my full balls dangling and in the way of the main action behind. As I pushed the fatter-than-any-cock-shaft in and out, deeper and wider. Everything was the hole. The penis could be replaced with a smooth featureless mound and I wouldn’t have noticed.

Were I living in a relationship where I was never unlocked and never allowed or expected to fuck, I don’t know that I’d miss it at all. No, chastity didn’t make me a bottom, but I feel that it was through chastity that I achieved a more authentic state of bottomness. Chasity has led me to greater depths (figuratively and literally, I suppose) and knowledge and desire.

In the past, images or videos of guys taking huge dildos or fists (or two) up their stretched out, gaping asses would horrify me. Now I’m jealous. Now I want to see and feel that for myself. To reach down and simultaneously feel a thick wrist and my own hole with the same fingers. To reach down and feel my hole slick and stretched and open and used. It almost feels like my destiny. That not only am I more a bottom than before, I can see runway ahead of me leading to my true potential.

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